Have an open relationship

TwoWhalesInAPool · Aug 12, 2021

Have an open relationship, and other terrible sex advice

Are you and your partner worried about your sex life becoming stale?

Here, totally unqualified ‘sexpert’ Donna, gives some advice that will ruin your lives.

Sleep with other people
If you’re open-minded enough, this will really spice up your sex lives. Although it’s possible one partner will just go out shagging while the less attractive one sits at home, watching TV and crying.

Watch porn together
All sex experts recommend this. It sounds liberal and erotic, until you realise the bulk of porn is pretty degrading to women. But give it a whirl anyway, you might discover an interest in ‘watersports’, MILF, bukkake parties and utterly strange anime porn.

Act out your wildest fantasies
Don’t be inhibited – if you want to dress as a naughty French maid, go right ahead. The only problem that might arise is if your partner’s fantasies are too strange, eg. they want to try having sex with fish while dressed as Captain Birdseye.

Experiment with bondage
There’s no way inflicting pain on your partner, or vice versa, could cause problems in a relationship! It all looked pretty sexy in 50 Shades of Gray, which is admittedly the only research I’ve done into this.

Talk about what turns you on
Endlessly discuss your sex life. You’ll learn how to maximise each other’s pleasure, until you get so bored of sex talk you’d rather discuss rising inflation rates. And don’t forget to mention it in any social situation – dinner party guests will be fascinated by your decision to experiment with butt plugs.