Guide to saving energy

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Rishi Sunak's multi-millionaire guide to saving energy​

You don’t end up with as much money as me – around £440 million, minimum – without knowing how to save it!

Follow these tips to save hundreds of thousands a year:

Turn off homes
I know it’s tempting to leave heating and lights on in your third, fourth and fifth homes so you feel wonderfully welcome when you step inside, but it’s wasteful. Just send staff ahead to take the chill away. Obviously this doesn’t apply to your second home. I mean, it’s your second home.

Be smarter about water
Be honest with yourself: do you really need that rooftop infinity pool? Yes, it was envy-inducing in 2006, but now every sad little dreamer on poverty-porn shows like Grand Designs has one. An elevated glass-bottomed pool over a courtyard or atrium is more efficient and far more ‘now’.

Wear a hoodie over your £2,500 shirt and tie
Working late and feeling cold? Don’t touch that thermostat. Instead pull on a hoodie over your shirt and tie to look stylish and feel toasty. And remember, don’t go barefoot indoors. You’ll keep far warmer wearing grey socks and Ferragamo sliders.

Turn off ‘vampire’ outbuildings
Walk around one of your estates and you’ll be surprised how many vampire outbuildings housing staff or guests have a little light on showing they’re consuming electricity. It all adds up. Turn them all off and you’ll save pennies a year – a lot of money to you.

Be bathed
Baths waste water, as do showers. It’s best to stand naked in a large marble-and-gold-leaf tub while a member of household staff carefully washes you with a bowl of perfumed water and a Mediterranean silk natural sea sponge. Streets ahead in terms of both comfort and wastage.

Glow with the inner radiance of extreme wealth
It’s surprising the physiological effects being wealthier than the Queen can have. I find that even in a room of millionaires I have an inner radiance that leaves me warm and comfortable even when they’re grubbing around hiring helicopters. Just become extremely rich and you’ll never worry about bills again.

via ~ DailyLoadsaWonga

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Government announces support for rising energy costs.

For example if you’re a fraudster they’ll simply write it off.

- HIGNFY

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

We read your meter then randomly pick a figure you can't afford: How your energy bill is calculated​

Not sure why your gas and electric bills will shoot up – again?

Here energy company boss Roy Hobbs explains how it is all calculated.

We read the meter then think of a figure that’ll empty your account
In the spirit of fairness we send a peon round to read your meter, note the numbers down in a little book, then use these findings to take the piss. So what if you’ve survived winter by keeping the gas off and wearing four jumpers to stay warm? That’ll be £800 pounds please. Don’t keep us waiting.

We pluck numbers out of a big hat
Everyone in the office writes down whopping great figures on a slip of paper, which are then folded in half and chucked into a big hat. Every few months we all gather round and take turns to fish them out and assign them to one of our customers. Bad luck Sylvia from Gloucester, looks like you owe us £5,727.59.

We blindly hammer the number keys for 10 seconds
Monitoring your energy use and keeping track of which band you’re in is far too much hassle. That’s why we save ourselves the trouble by blindly pressing number keys for 10 seconds then chucking a pound sign in front. That’s how you sometimes get a bill of £4,381,568.20 for October to February.

We take a sobering look at our budget deficit
Thanks to our ridiculous salaries and lack of state control, the word ‘profit’ on our balance sheet has got a disturbing minus sign in front of it. To calculate your bill we take this negative number and divide it by the population of Britain. Problem solved! Well, for us. For you the bailiffs are coming round because you dared put the central heating on and use the kettle.

We just do whatever the f.uck we want
Does it matter how we calculate your bill? We’re a massive energy conglomerate and you’re a cleaner from Plymouth. What are you going to do, write a stern letter of complaint or phone our customer helpline? Don’t make me laugh. We can get away with anything because we are your god. Fancy a bath in cold water? I thought not.

via ~ DailyShareholderWonga

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Gas and oil giants are making £900 profits every SECOND.

Yet this week Tory MPs didn't even bother showing up for a vote on a Windfall Tax on these profits to tackle fuel poverty.

But of course the next day they turned up to force through a multi-billion tax cut for bankers.