Guide 101 - To A Sociopaths Destructive Impulses

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

When to keep your penis in your pants: A guide for Tory MPs​

Want to avoid a similar fate to Peter Bone and Crispin Blunt?

Follow this handy guide for when you should keep your penis in your pants.

In the House of Commons
The plush green leather benches might seem like the ideal place to unzip and whip out your throbbing member, but you must resist. And yes, that includes backbenchers who think they’re safely hidden away. Even something as innocent as looking at 'tractor' porn is verboten in the House of Commons, meaning getting your engorged penis out is totally off limits.

On a business trip
Just because you’re not in the office that doesn’t mean the basic rules of penis etiquette no longer apply. Yes, taking it out in the hotel bathroom is permissible, but first make sure a member of your team isn’t in there already. That sort of thing is frowned upon and could get you suspended from your seat, however much you claim you thought the room was empty.

When canvassing
It will sound like snowflake wokery gone mad, but the public tends to get offended if you rock up on their doorstep with your steaming and dripping penis poking out of your flies. You’re haemorrhaging seats as it is, so for the love of God double check that your tumscence problematic organ is out of sight before you go knocking on doors if you want to keep your job.

During a televised interview
Getting your penis out when there are no cameras around is bad enough. But at least that can be hushed up and pictures won’t be splashed across the papers. Tug it out on Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg though and you’re f.ucked. You’d think that shouldn’t have to be spelled out but you Tory men all seem to be having spurting cock-related mishaps every other week.

Pretty much any time you’re not pissing
Sounds obvious, but there really is little need to get your penis out if you’re not taking a leak. In fact, maybe don’t even do that when you’re in a work environment, and save all your peeing for home. Yes, you’ll have to put up with an uncomfortably full bladder, but that’s got to be better than ending up as yet another disgraced Tory sex pest.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Tory MPs to be sent on special ‘How not to sexually assault someone’ course​

In an effort to come to grips with the ever-growing number of Tory MPs facing charges of sexual assault or impropriety, Conservative Central Office has created a new ‘How not to sexually assault people’ course that Tory MPs can attend in order to get a solid grounding in not sexually assaulting people.

“In today’s confusing world, many Tory MPs do find it difficult not to sexually assault people,” explained Ray Phist, a Tory special advisor.

“So, we’ve put together a quick and easy day-long course on not sexually assaulting people.

“We’re going to cover a number of topics:

• Not taking your turgid penis out in front of anyone who hasn’t very specifically asked you to take your penis out.
• Not assuming that someone asleep or unconscious wants to engage in sexual activity with you
• Not mistaking the greeting ‘good morning’ for an invitation to touch someone’s genitals

“And all manner of all other things that should help Tory MPs not sexually assault people.”

Brigadier Reginald Wellington-Beef, the 102-year-old Tory MP for Bollock-on-the-Wold, welcomed the initiative.

He told us, “Tremendous plan. Very helpful. Only yesterday, I was in an office with a young filly and I simply had no idea if I should touch her breasts or not. I’ll certainly be signing up for this course.”

If the course proves as successful as strategists hop hope, Conservative Central Office are understood to have plans to bring in a special ‘How to behave like a normal, decent human being course’ to allow Tory MPs to learn how to behave like a normal, decent human being.

TY@NT