Graffiti

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Gone to the pub toilet without your phone? ​

Don’t panic – there’s plenty of mystifying graffiti to keep you entertained instead.

Like this:

1: Strange abuse
‘Donna fellates potatoes’ catches your attention as you sit on the loo doing your business. Does she actually, you wonder. They’d have to be pretty small as a baking one wouldn’t fit in her mouth. And why? Is it a sex thing? Or a baseless accusation by a spurned lover.

2: Offers of sex
Pretty much every pub toilet will feature a message like ‘For sex call Alan’ followed by a phone number. The mystery is whether Alan is genuinely inviting you to give him a ring, or if the poor unsuspecting man is being pranked by a mate. And if it’s the former, has Alan never heard of Tinder? Or is it such a cesspit of human misery that he fancies his chances more in the bog of the Crown and Sceptre?

3: Art works
There is only one category of pub toilet artwork, and that’s penises. They’re usually huge, excessively hairy and squirting out an inordinately large amount of jizz. But are they accurate representations of their owners or something that the artist aspires to? It’s probably best not to attempt to find out.

4: S.hit philosophy
Even the most nonsensical phrases sound like ancient wisdom when you’re pissed. ’You must first lose yourself in order to find yourself’ is complete gibberish when you’re sober, but after you’ve had a few Jägerbombs you return to your friends and excitedly pass on your this nugget of wisdom. Expecting them to nod their heads in sage agreement, you’re instead told to stop talking shite.

5: Limericks
Many poets, from Dorothy Parker to Dylan Thomas, were massive boozers, but did they ever write a limerick on the wall of a pub toilet? Probably not, because the one you read in the gents about the man from Nantucket doesn’t scan, rhyme or make sense so being pissed doesn’t seem to help the creative process.

Before you know it, 20 minutes have passed and your mate’s come in to check you haven’t slipped in a pool of piss and knocked yourself out.

TY@TDM