SamBally
Dance with me until the sun rises!
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IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners.
New arrivals should not spit at their local shopkeeper, keep a pit bull in a cage in their backyard and poke it all the time with a stick, or arm their children with teeth dissolving sugary sweets.
But they should enjoy crayfish and vodka parties, and develop a healthy attitude towards nudity and the screening of hardcore pornography in church.
Communities secretary Moira Doherty said Britain had a proud tradition of welcoming new arrivals from overseas to clean its toilets.”
Doherty said: “This country is already chock full of the most ghastly, ill-mannered bastards. They describe themselves as 'English'.”
“We want the next generation of British lavatory cleaners to carry themselves with the confidence and charm of a Dane.”
“This advice pack will help the swarthy hordes to become polite, friendly, educated, considerate, liberal, and preferably tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, and fantastic pop music.”
”If all else fails they can become German who are friendlier and much more intelligent, can consume alcohol without getting violent and without abusing total strangers in the street.”
Gove also set out five basic rules that foreigners must follow if they wish to be accepted as British citizens:
Don’t chuck your dead horse in the bin.
Don’t shout ”you hard left bastard” at people for reading the Independent.
When a policeman places his knee on your sternum, remember to say 'thank you' before he shoots you in the face.
If you want to flirt with a strange woman without fear of prosecution, move to Newcastle, or Sunderland.
Don’t get pissed and urinate against your neighbour's car, again.
New arrivals should not spit at their local shopkeeper, keep a pit bull in a cage in their backyard and poke it all the time with a stick, or arm their children with teeth dissolving sugary sweets.
But they should enjoy crayfish and vodka parties, and develop a healthy attitude towards nudity and the screening of hardcore pornography in church.
Communities secretary Moira Doherty said Britain had a proud tradition of welcoming new arrivals from overseas to clean its toilets.”
Doherty said: “This country is already chock full of the most ghastly, ill-mannered bastards. They describe themselves as 'English'.”
“We want the next generation of British lavatory cleaners to carry themselves with the confidence and charm of a Dane.”
“This advice pack will help the swarthy hordes to become polite, friendly, educated, considerate, liberal, and preferably tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, and fantastic pop music.”
”If all else fails they can become German who are friendlier and much more intelligent, can consume alcohol without getting violent and without abusing total strangers in the street.”
Gove also set out five basic rules that foreigners must follow if they wish to be accepted as British citizens:
Don’t chuck your dead horse in the bin.
Don’t shout ”you hard left bastard” at people for reading the Independent.
When a policeman places his knee on your sternum, remember to say 'thank you' before he shoots you in the face.
If you want to flirt with a strange woman without fear of prosecution, move to Newcastle, or Sunderland.
Don’t get pissed and urinate against your neighbour's car, again.