Five gammon fantasies about the next 'woke' Bond film he says he won't watch.

SamBally

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THE old James Bond wasn’t afraid to charm ladies with a slap or racist quip. Despite not having seen No Time To Cry, gammon Dave Pile, aged 59, explains what’s wrong with it.

Bond takes the knee every time a black character enters the room.


It’s gone way too far. Bond used to strangle SMERSH operatives with his bare hands, while joking about it. Now he’s kow-towing to a different Marxist organisation: BLM. Disgusting.

Bond acknowledges his feelings and cries like a girl.

It’s all about bloody ‘feelings’ these days. You think Sean Connery had feelings? Did he f**k. The only feelings he had were pride at putting some hysterical woman straight with a firm smack.

Bond wears a pink dress like he’s Grayson Perry, or something.

I’ve not seen the film but this probably happens. Come on! What next, Bond making bloody ceramics? Or a gay Bond? I won’t be able to sleep tonight after imagining that.

The Americans play a significant role.

Don’t be ridiculous. In the old Bond films, the Americans offered token assistance as Bond averted global catastrophe with just his tuxedo, an Aston Martin, a Union Jack parachute and a Walther PPK. Now they’re making out the USA are some sort of superpower or something.

They let off the arch-villain because he had a troubled upbringing and give him 20 hours community service.

It’s what happens these days. If Bond’s going to be a woman of colour, the only one that’s vaguely acceptable is Priti Patel. She’d probably torture Blofeld and feed him to sharks herself.
 
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