Doctors are recommending vigilance and other body stuff

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

World bird population shows first signs of man-flu pandemic​

The world’s agricultural communities are braced for a global avian catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the bird population.

With man-flu symptoms now reported in birds across two continents, there is concern this outbreak will reach global pandemic proportions.

“It’s extremely difficult to spot,” said UK chicken farmer Toetulee Bon-Kurz, 62.

“It might look just like a minor case of the sniffles to the untrained female eye, but you can spot man-flu by the moaning, lolling about and the sufferer’s demands for continuous sympathy from the other birds.

“Keep an eye out for any behaviour that suggests the bird is trying to communicate a sense of their own imminent death, whilst being completely ignored by the females.

“If you have a sufferer, it’s best to keep them isolated.

“Not because of the risk of infection, but the symptoms seem to get worse when they know another bird can see them.”

Veterinarians have suggested a series of steps that should be taken by you and any birds you keep if you suspect one of your birds has man-flu.

“Female birds would do well to recognise the suffering of the male, and do their best to comfort them.

“If the sufferer had any unpleasant upcoming events, it is recommended you tell the bird it no longer has to do them.

“A blanket, some soup, and complete control over the television have worked well in control groups.”

Doctors are recommending vigilance as they seek to eliminate the possibility of a man-flu to bird-man-flu back-to-man-flu crossover.

“Such a strain could be deadly,” said the UK’s Chief Medical Officer.

“True, there have not been any actual recorded fatalities from human man-flu.

“But this is as much to do with the resilience of the male population than the frankly piss-poor medical treatment received by patients.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

World bird population shows first signs of man-flu pandemic​

This poor f*cker had it bad-

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Women demand equal flu to men​

Women should have the right to exaggerate minor colds and be mocked for it just the same as men, campaigners have claimed.

While men take it for granted that they can play up symptoms of illness to solicit extra sympathy, then have the piss ripped by anyone who is in proximity of their childish whining, women are fighting hard for the right to be equally as lame.

Campaigner Donna Sheridan said: “The struggle for equality doesn’t stop at pay or parenting, it needs to reach every part of our lives. This includes the right to lie about snivelling into tissues and watching Narcos whilst feeling excessively sorry for ourselves.

“And, of course, we don’t expect any special dispensation as women so we also want to be ridiculed and accused of being liars and malingerers.

“If we display symptoms any less serious than bleeding from an artery or not having a pulse, we will expect to be absolutely slated.”

Professor Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “As if being ill wasn’t unpleasant enough, people like to add to the misery by making each other feel guilty if they take one day off from their miserable, soul-sapping jobs.

“Human beings really are the most tedious idiots.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

..men take it for granted that they can play up symptoms of illness to solicit extra sympathy..

Yeah, just look at Spock wimping out to get mothered, pampered and fussed over by nurse Chapel-



Personally I wouldn't mind being mothered, pampered and fussed over by Dr. Quinn, I fantasise about staggering into her surgery with a rattler bite to my calf and she has to suck out the venom, then sit up with me all night dabbing my fevered brow as i toss and turn in delirium while whispering in my ear "Hang in there baby, we'll ride it out together"..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Therese Coffey's no-nonsense health guide for Britain​

'As health minister for you people, I thought it would be a good idea to outline how you can buck up your ideas and get healthy the Tory way. It worked for me! 'by Therese Coffey

1: Avoid silly fads like exercise
People see videos by the latest pop stars like Olivia Newton-John and think jumping up and down is the answer to all your problems. Do you think Liz Truss got where she is today by jumping up and down? No, she did it by delivering. If you want to work up a sweat, work harder for the economy. That’s what matters, not you and your bum.

2: And vegetables
When I was young, vegetables were something you put on the dining table for display. You didn’t actually eat them, it was meat, meat and more meat. Usually with bread, potatoes, a jug of dripping, extra meat and a pound of treacle pudding for dessert. Did me the power of good. I tell people I turned 50 last year and they won’t believe me.

3: Ignore doctors, they’re on a cushy number with the NHS
Next time you’re being lectured by your GP about your blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, breathlessness, unhealthily ruddy complexion and frequent palpitations, remember they’re just keeping the NHS cash rolling in. If they gave you proper advice, e.g.. ‘Eat more fried meat sandwiches with a pint of brandy’ they’d be made redundant by the woke NHS. We’ll do something about that.

4: Don’t smoke cigarettes. They’re common. Smoke cigars
To paraphrase the greatest woman in history, Margaret Thatcher, anyone still smoking cigarettes aged 30 is a failure. If you haven’t made something of yourself by then and moved onto cigars, you’ve got no willpower and that’s why you die of lung cancer, not the tobacco. And just because I am paid £10,000's by the Tobacco industry it doesn't mean I favour them at all. No way. Plus the boxes of cigars I receive are just a coincidence too. *puff puff*

5: Don’t live too long being a burden on the economy
Personal responsibility is out of fashion these days, and I’d like to see more people taking control of their lives by dropping dead. The longer you live and the poorer you are, the more of a burden on Britain you’ll be. Think about that next time you’re eating a salad or going for a jog. If you truly love your country, have a 5lb steak and a bucket of profiteroles. I’m doing my bit. Are you?

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

Ignore doctors, they’re on a cushy number with the NHS
Next time you’re being lectured by your GP about your blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, breathlessness, unhealthily ruddy complexion and frequent palpitations, remember they’re just keeping the NHS cash rolling in. If they gave you proper advice, e.g.. ‘Eat more fried meat sandwiches with a pint of brandy’ they’d be made redundant by the woke NHS. We’ll do something about that.

Yeah and nowadays the quacks have been largely replaced by 'Doctor Internet' anyway because we can google our symptoms and end up knowing more about ailments than them, and keep tabs on whether they're diagnosing and treating us right..
The only thing quacks are needed for is to sign our prescriptions..

 

[Dropship]

Mind you, I'm hopelessly in lurv with Dr. Eleanor Beecraft of 'GPs: Behind Closed Doors', and if she practised in my neck of the woods I'd make regular appointments to consult her with various trumped-up ailments just to be poked and prodded by her..
Here's her pic which I've printed out for my bedside table-

 

[Moriarty]

Mind you, I'm hopelessly in lurv with Dr. Eleanor Beecraft of 'GPs: Behind Closed Doors', and if she practised in my neck of the woods I'd make regular appointments to consult her with various trumped-up ailments just to be poked and prodded by her..
Here's her pic which I've printed out for my bedside table-

View attachment 12503

To be fair.
Thats kinda sad.

An open letter to Prof Ted Baker, following his attack on the NHS

From her Twitter page.

 

[Dropship]

To be fair.
Thats kinda sad.

An open letter to Prof Ted Baker, following his attack on the NHS

From her Twitter page.

The link won't work for me, it says "Page not found".
Never heard of Baker, but if he's saying the NHS is generally krap I'd agree with him because I don't think there's a family in the land (including mine) who hasn't experienced medical incompetence at least once.