Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub.

TwoWhalesInAPool · Jul 11, 2021

TONIGHT’S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else:

Keep the bar staff busy
The staff would love to enjoy the game along with everyone else, so ruin their day by giving them the runaround with lots of picky, annoying requests. With any luck, they’ll miss a 30-yard screamer while they’re out back searching for a bottle of grenadine to make that Gin Daisy cocktail you’ve ordered, like a wanker.

Provide your own commentary
Spend the whole match talking non-stop to no one in particular. Punctuate your chat with groans, yells and a couple of startling high-pitched screams, as well as insightful observations like ‘He’s sh**, that Pickford’ and ‘Isn’t Wembley massive?’ Fill any dead time by telling people on neighbouring tables that Gary Lineker gets paid £1.3m a year for doing f**k all.

Order loads of food
If the menu says ‘Food served ’til 9pm’ it’s your right as a customer to order a full roast dinner at 8.59pm, especially as you’ll need something to soak up the nine pints of lager you’ve sunk. Also, feel free to aggressively ask anyone who orders ‘pro-Italian’ dishes like pizza or pasta why they hate this country.

Sing Three Lions on repeat
If you were at Wembley, randomly breaking into snatches of Three Lions would be totally appropriate. Endlessly yelling it in a small pub full of people desperately trying to concentrate on a screen is not. For maximum annoyance, bellow a couple of choruses of Vindaloo during any tense free-kick moments.

Throw your pint
This is England’s first major final in over 50 years, which means nothing is off limits. You might not be in a fan zone in Hyde Park on a balmy July evening, but it doesn’t mean you can’t throw your pint if England score. And if the landlord of The Royal Oak is left picking bits of glass out of the ceiling for the next four years, so be it.