BREAKING: Prince Andrew to Join Foreign Legion.

[SamBally]

AUBAGNE - France - Former royal, Prince Andrew is said to be considering joining the French Foreign Legion as a way of avoiding publicity following the decision to pay £10 million damages to avoid a damaging court case involving s*x with Virginia Giuffre when she was 17.

The French Foreign Legion, France’s elite corp of fighting men who are mainly non-French citizens, have a stringent recruitment process that former royal, Andrew may not pass.

Out of all the military outfits, the French Foreign Legion has an esteemed reputation as being one of the most formidable military outfits throughout history. Many join the Legion to get away from their previous lives, some are running from failed romances, some are running from a life of crime, and others just want the supreme challenge of joining the Legion.

To gain the much-coveted Kepi Blanc, the recruits will endure 17 weeks of gruelling training where many will be rejected or fall out.

Basic training for the French Foreign Legion is conducted in the 4th Foreign Regiment.

Prince Andrew, who cannot speak a word of French, will find the linguistic side of training particularly hard. More accustomed to ordering palace staff around for mangoes and opening his curtains, he will also find it especially difficult keeping up with the hard training regime, even though he has been given special dispensation to join despite his age.

Royal commentator, Rupert Fortington-Smythe, was adamant that the former Duke would not receive any special favours or treatment in the Legion.

“He will be treated as any new recruit, and it is highly unlikely the pampered royal will be able to survive the first leg of training, let alone complete the entire session to gain the Kepi Blanc. I have seen seasoned U.S. Marines crack like little girls during the gruelling training, especially at his age. Although there is a cut-off period of 39.5 years of age to join the Legion, it is understood that the former royal will be given a special dispensation.”

Andrew’s aides were consistent with their view that he could easily breeze through basic training at the Foreign Legion, and he would be straightened out by the experience. He will be paid a salary of 80 euros per week. The good thing about the Foreign Legion is that Andrew will be in capable hands, and some barracks even have their own brothels so that legionnaires can release some of their pent-up energy, something the former royal will truly appreciate.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Huge queue forms at Palace on news that Prince Andrew is giving away money to people he’s never met​

News is emerging of a huge queue outside Buckingham Palace after people learned that Prince Andrew is willing to give away millions of pounds to people he’s never met.

Just minutes after Prince Andrew settled his civil case with Virginia Giuffre by writing her a massive cheque, people began gathering at the palace in the hope they, too, will be made a millionaire despite never having interacted with Prince Andrew in any way whatsoever.

Simon Williams, 45, told us, “No, I’ve never met Prince Andrew, but if he is to be believed – and why wouldn’t you believe him – then he never met Virginia Giuffre either.

“So if he’s suddenly decided to start giving money to people he’s never met for no reason other than they asked for it, I thought I’d try my luck and ask for some. I’m not greedy, a three hundred grand would be fine.

“I thought I got here quite quickly, but there are already a few hundred people in front of me. It should be okay, I hear he’s loaded.”

Meanwhile, the palace has asked for people to stop turning up to join the queue, insisting the Prince is not giving away free money.

A spokesperson explained, “We would like to place on record that Prince Andrew is not giving away vast sums of money to women he’s never met. Apart from that Giuffre woman, who he has definitely never met, but decided to give a lot of money to anyway.

“It was definitely a one-off.

“Until the next one, anyway.”

via ~ DailyNonce

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Embarrassing typo on the front page of The Telegraph.

Managed to put ‘Queen to’ instead of ‘You mugs’.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The real victim in all this? A sad, lonely Prince. By the Duke of York​

Justice has prevailed and thanks to a very large sum of money I have been proven innocent.
But it’s easy to forget the real victim in all this: me.

I stand here a sad, lonely figure, my good name besmirched and deeply out of pocket – money that could have paid for luxury golfing holidays, Swiss chalets and visits from masseuses I need for my tragic sweat gland condition.

The higher you climb, the further you fall. Before these allegations I was a much-loved, respected member of the Royal Family (probably the most-loved). The nation is still eternally grateful for the joy I brought them in 1987’s It’s A Royal Knockout.

Now I’m not even patron of London Metropolitan University, although frankly it’s a relief not to have to visit that dingy remedial pleb-hole. Unlike the English National Ballet. They had some cracking fillies and very well-spoken too.

I didn’t actually do anything as colonel-in-chief of the Royal Irish regiment and all those made-up military roles, but you name me one royal with a proper job. What does Kate do? ‘Occasional hockey-playing stick insect’? Give me a break.

Yes, it takes a proud man to say ‘Life’s not fair, it’s just not bloody fair’. All I did was befriend a rich American financier with a creepy interest in young women, and suddenly it’s from Falklands hero to sex pervert zero.

Perhaps I should be thankful I’ve avoided an ordeal at the hands of the American justice system, but I feel compelled to say this: thanks a f**king lot, Mum. And you, Charles, you pompous arse. The only reason you talk to plants is they can’t get away.

All I can do is celebrate alone as best I can with a bottle or three of Bollinger from the cellar. I’d give Fergie a call, but she’s really looking her age these days.

via ~ DailyPoorMe