Beyond shitty! Spitting out mouthfuls of turd during your swim.

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Triathletes with vomiting and diarrhoea accused of not believing hard enough in Britain’s ability to have clean water​

​

​

​

After 57 athletes were taken ill with diarrhoea and vomiting after a Triathlon World Series event in which they swam in the sea near Sunderland, patriotic Brits have accused them of not believing hard enough in the cleanliness of the water.

Health officials claim the cause of the multiple illnesses was the poor quality water at Roker Beach, though government officials have insisted that those who took ill only did so because they failed to really get behind the country’s clean water.

Government spokesperson Ray Cyst told us, “Everyone agrees Britain has some of the cleanest beaches in the world – unless you’re one of those snowflakes who listen to experts.

“Sure, if you want to listen to the doom-mongers and their ‘water samples’ and ‘analysis’, then sure, our waters are full of human excrement and filth, and a danger to anyone who swims in them.

“But who wants to listen to someone who tells them stuff like that? Why not listen to me instead while I paint a picture of printing waters from John O’Groats to Lands End?

“Belief can overcome everything. Do not listen to facts. If you believe the sea is clean, then the sea is clean, even if you have to spit out mouthfuls of turd during your swim.

“Simply deny the evidence of your eyes, ears and tastebuds, and believe.”

TY@NT

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

The Sunderland Air Show over Roker beach was permanently cancelled by the council over environmental issues, to be replaced with this Triathlon event. I bet they're sorry they bothered now...

 

[Aqua1]

Ewwwww!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

v's ​

​

Nation that made it illegal to leave one dog turd in a field seemingly comfortable with millions of human turds on its beaches​

As millions of turds find themselves floating around the nation’s beaches, many have questioned how this can be legal but you can get a fine for leaving a single dog turd in a disused field.

Si Willis, who always carries a few small plastic bags in his pocket to collect his pets’ errant turds, told us, “I get that dog turds are pretty bad, but is one dog turd really worse than a million human ones?

“I can get a £100 fine for not clearing up the single turd from my smaller than average sized dog, but the turds from an entire town can be flushed out to the beach where people are on holiday – how is that fair?

However, a spokesperson for the water industry told us, “I can see how to the untrained eye it does appear – at first glance – that Mr Willis being required to clear up every single turd, while we can literally just wash them away into the sea, could be considered ‘unfair’.

“But that’s because such an analysis fails to include the proper context. Mr Willis does not have shareholders he has to keep happy, and as such he can afford the time and expense required to pick up solitary turds.

“Whereas if we were forced to clean up all our turds, we’d struggle to make any money whatsoever.

“Hope that clears it up.”

TY@NT

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Trace it all back to Mrs Thatcher selling off the nation's assets. The essentials for everyday life... water, gas, electricity etc should not be run for profit.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

​

​

Water companies announce new plans to spray sewage into the air​

Following increasing criticism over the practice of discharging sewage into rivers and oceans, water companies have announced new plans to spray excess sewage into the air.

“There is far too much sewage for us to handle,” explained Dai Oreeha, CEO of Loadacunts Water.

“We could build enough facilities to successfully process all that sewage, but why bother? The government give us loads of money whether we build them or not, and we’d rather spend all that money on Lamborghinis and new TVs.

“We do, however, recognise that some people are unhappy with us pumping s.hit and p.iss into whatever stream or river is nearby, so we’re going to spray it up into the air instead.”

Some scientists were critical of the plans.

“I’ve looked into this and found that there is a force known as gravity which states that if there is something up in the air, in almost all instances, it will fall down to earth,” explained Eleanor Gay, Professor of the Bleeding Obvious at Oxford University.

“My concern is that if these water companies spray sewage into the air, then it may alleviate the problem for several seconds, but we would then see sewage raining down from the skies and getting in everyone’s hair.”

Mr Oreeha dismissed the concerns.

He went on, “Ignore these doomsayers. No one has ever sprayed sewage into the air before so who knows what will happen? I’m sure it will be fine. I would imagine that once the sewage is in the air, it will evaporate, or simply be carried away on the wind and become someone else’s problem.”

Water companies will begin spraying sewage into the air from next week, and if that fails to solve the problems, then they have fallback plans to just build a big tower of sewage just off the A12 near Chelmsford.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Water bosses told to clean up the nation’s shoreline using thousands of tiny poo bags​

Water bosses are facing an ordeal experienced millions of pet owners every day, after being told to clean up their sh** using tiny plastic bags.

Dozens of water executives from around the country will be put on wooden rafts on faeces infested shorelines and told to clean up the sh** using an assortment of tiny bags.

“Finally, a plan for the nations waterways that I can get behind,” explained voter Appy Bas-Turrd.

“I never bought the whole ‘it’s too difficult to clean up the turds’ excuse being used by the water industry. Every dog owner knows it’s easy enough to clean up a turd – unpleasant, yes, but certainly achievable.

“I’m sure cleaning up thousands will be hard work, but let’s not pretend it can’t be done just because it’s not a nice job to do.”

Bas-Turdd did admit he had one small area of sympathy for the executives, telling us, “I guess that being out on the water they won’t have any trees from which to hang the shitty bags? Shame.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

To save their profits water firms announce new plans to pile s.hit through your letterbox​

Water firms have announced plans to try and limit dumping sewage into rivers by just dumping it straight through people’s letterboxes instead.

“I mean, no one other than the Wokerati, far left communists, and lesbians/gays really has a problem with filling up the country’s rivers with sewage,” explained Jeremy Basturd, a leading figure in British water processing.

“But we do have to accept the fact that, if we keep going on like we are, within a few years, rivers will be absolutely full to the brim with piss and turds and we’re going to have to find somewhere else to put it all, otherwise we’ll end up having to process it and that could really eat into our profits.”

Mr Basturd went on to reveal a new plumbing system the industry has developed that will collect waste water whenever a household toilet is flushed and, using a series of pipes and pumps, route it round it the front of the house and deposit everything through the letterbox on to the door mat.

“We’re really pleased with this new system,” he continued.

“It’s really pushing the envelope of not-processing sewage tech, and it can be installed in most homes in the country for the low low cost of a surprisingly high cost. Billable entirely to the householder, obviously.”

It is thought that this new tech is merely a stopgap until water companies simply insist people stop creating any further sewage by issuing households with a number of corks and clothes pegs.

TY@NT