BENEFITS

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BENEFITS - #1 - POOR OR NOT POOR? THAT IS THE QUESTION.​

Ray Cyst-Itis, 67, BNP member, far right gammon and red faced angry man, explains how you can’t be struggling if you own these things:

1: Smartphone
If you can afford a smartphone, you aren’t needy and that’s all there is to it. I don’t care if you only managed to get it because it’s on a contract you can barely pay every month, and I don’t believe that you can’t make a benefits claim without one. Haven’t they got pens and paper down the dole office? It’s not like internet access is vital to modern life, after all.

2: Underpants
In my day we wore our drawers until they had holes in them, and then we’d turn them inside out and wear them again, which I still do now. If you swank around buying a pack of five boxer shorts from Tesco, you’ve a nicer life than I ever had. Yeah, I could almost afford them on my pension, but I enjoy being a miserly old bastard.

3: Flat screen TV
Anyone who owns a flatscreen television is living in the lap of luxury, if you ask me, despite the fact that it’s impossible to buy anything else nowadays and actually you can get one for about £100. Unfortunately, my prejudice about them got stuck in 2003, so I’ll keep repeating the same lazy bollocks even when we’re watching Eastenders on a hologram.

4: Avocados and Turnips
Or any type of food that I consider a luxury, and especially if it’s organic, or fruit or veg. No, I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford many pleasures in life anymore, and eating healthily is important to you. If you can afford to buy something as la-di-dah as one avocado, or a turnip then you’ve got no right whining about tax breaks for the wealthy.

5: A cheap foreign holiday
Are you really trying to tell me that it’s cheaper to go on an all-inclusive package deal to Benidorm than it is to hire a holiday home in Cornwall? Don’t be so bloody stupid, I wasn’t born yesterday. If you claim not to have much money you certainly shouldn’t be gallivanting around abroad, however much joy it will bring your kids.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BENEFITS - #2 - WISHFUL SINKING. FOR THE UNDER 25​

How old will you be when you see your first Brexit benefit?​

So if you’re 20 now, how old will you be when it starts paying off?

2024 Brexit has been a slow puncture to the UK economy since 2020, but before the election the government announces every full English will now, by law, have a little Union Jack planted in it. Take that, Remoaners.

2030 You’re now 28. Import and export are still a problem so you take a minimum wage admin job filling out identical customs forms every day so lorries full of turnip jam can get to Calais.

2035 Britain has been out of the EU 13 years, and its citizens are still celebrating freedoms like not having to eat raw frog and children not being forcibly taught to yodel. However these are not benefits per se.

2046 You hit middle age without reaping any tangible benefits, but to celebrate three decades of sovereignty the government bans all foreign words. Quiche Lorraine is now ‘savoury bacon cake’ and baguettes are ‘English long bread’.

2049 Britain is a low-wage, deregulated economy and foreign travel is unaffordable and discouraged. During your seven days annual holiday a year, which you spend in Skegness with the kids collecting exotic turds that have washed up on the beach.

2052 Your 50th birthday is a muted celebration. Every town centre is as empty and rundown as modern-day Nuneaton and every delivery driver is a miserable Brit. You queue for an hour to buy carrot wine at the supermarket because no one understands the pre-decimal currency brought back last year.

2085 Now retired, you listen to the radio a lot. Brexiters are still proud that kippers no longer require a refrigerated pillow to be posted. You’ve never posted a kipper, but now you wish you had.

2102 A Brexit benefit has materialised! Out of necessity, Britain has developed its own satsuma industry. Unfortunately you died yesterday.

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

How old will you be when you see your first Brexit benefit?​

So if you’re 20 now, how old will you be when it starts paying off?

The payoff is that it makes us feel great to be out of the clutches of the EU goons like this clown..

Herman van Rompuy of the EU

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

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