Are you more embarrassing than...

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Are you more embarrassing than Richard Madeley?​

Madeley has set the bar high for embarrassing behaviour.

Find out if you have overtaken him with this quiz.

How do you talk?
A) Using my vocal cords and mouth like every other human being.
B) In a weird caricature of normal speech. It’s both embarrassing and compelling and turns interviews into the proverbial car crash. Just like my next guest, who was in a 16-car pile-up. So Jenny, you’re not dead then?

Do you like to play devil’s advocate?
A) Sometimes, if I’m bored and have had a couple of pints.
B) Ah, now, that’s very interesting, because don’t you think the term ‘devil’s advocate’ could be offensive to minority groups like Satanists or Hell’s Angels? Hmm? This is an incredibly important point I’m making.

How do you discuss sensitive topics?
A) With the respect and gravity they deserve.
B) By relating a person’s story of genuine suffering to a trivial, barely relevant anecdote all about me. This always cheers everyone up when, for example, I compare being wrongly imprisoned in Saudi Arabia for six years with getting stuck in my bathroom.

How do you treat opposing views?
A) I always hear the other person out. I might learn something.
B) Aggressively belittle them, however breathtakingly ignorant I am about the subject. Like with that Just Stop Oil protester. Everyone knows you need oil to make cars go. What are you going to do, put milk in them? Stupid woman.

Do you have any self-awareness at all?
A) Yes. If anything I have too much. It’s debilitating.
B) I’m aware that people say I’m like a real-life Alan Partridge, which is flattering because he’s very popular with a long broadcasting career.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Sorry, you sound like a well-adjusted human being, which means you are nowhere near as embarrassing as Richard Madeley. Try hosting a rigged phone-in quiz or telling your daughter she was an accident to be more like him.

Mostly Bs: You are Richard Madeley, aren’t you? Taking a quiz about yourself is the sort of thing you’d do. You have ascended to a new plane of un-self-awareness.

Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments​

[To John Lydon] “If we could throw a fishing rod into the corridors of time and reel you in, you’d throttle you, wouldn’t you?”

[To Bill Clinton] “I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent.”

[While interviewing Keira Knightly] “Can we get some make up please? Get Keira looking like a crack w****… she’d make a good crack w****!”

[After a guest struggled with their stammer] “You looked as if your head was going to come off!”

[To Faye from Steps and Russell Watson] “I always thought both of your music was a bit crap but this is quite good.”

[To a man crying after meeting paramedics who saved his life] “Stop crying! This is supposed to make you happy! Anyway after the break, the biggest dog in the UK. And he really is big. Don’t miss it!”

More Madeley quotes:

“What is the point of salt grinders? 30 plus years of grand delusion. We must be mad!”

[In his documentary, ‘Madeley Meets the Squatters’] “I have to confess, as someone who is lucky enough to own more than one home, I know nothing about squatting.”

“Remember that soup I made last week? Absolutely horrible. Had to throw it in the garden!”

“I’ve never met a single woman who’s happy with the way she looks. Except Jordan. Although I’ve never met her.”

“He suffers for us. He bears our pain in the most public way possible. He serves a timeless human need, one that goes back long before the time of Christ. Perhaps this has always been Paul Gasgoine’s destiny.”

“You look at the beach and you think, ‘ahh, pretty pretty, lovely golden sand, that’s safe.’ Not in certain parts of the country… quicksand!”

“There’s not many better things than seeing an older woman skipping.”

“Can we put out that interview I did with Patrick Duffy at Glasgow Airport? It’s a tremendous two minutes.”

“What do you notice most that has changed during your 18 years in jail? Cars have five gears now, for example.”

“So are you telling me elephants are not born evil?!”

“I hope when I’m reincarnated I come back black because you age better.”

“When me and Judy were trying to conceive, I used to douse my balls in icy water before intercourse.”