Acts of desperation!

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Rishi Sunak told a series of policy porkies in parliament yesterday, about pretendy policies that never happened.

Research shows new government tactic of ‘making up awful policies to take credit for cancelling them’ only works on morons

Meat Tax and the Seven Bins!

After the government announced an end to things such as a ‘meat tax’ and the need for ‘7 recycling bins’, researchers have revealed that the only people giving them credit for ending fictional policies are borderline simpletons.

As the government seeks to bridge the huge gap in the polls, it announced a softening of its green policies in an attempt to woo the votes of the sort of people who sneak out at night in a balaclava to saw down ULEZ cameras.

However, simply moving the ban on petrol cars back five years clearly wasn’t enough to bring onside true climate sceptics; more was needed – which is when government officials struck upon the idea of banning things that aren’t actually happening.

CCHQ political advisor Li Ing-Bawsturd told us, “The voting public love it when a government cancels a very unpopular policy. It looks like they’re listening to the people, which is what people actually want. We’re going to do more of it, definitely. The policy doesn’t need to be a real one for it to work. Clearly.”

However, researchers later revealed, “The tactic is a very basic one. Announce you are cancelling a terrible policy, and then take credit for it. You just have to hope your audience doesn’t realise the policy never existed in the first place, or that if it did, you were the one who actually created it.

“For this political manoeuvre to work, it relies on a certain level of ignorance in the general public, wilful or otherwise. Which is why it works so well on sycophants and morons. If you’re giving the government credit for banning a meat tax, then you either don’t care that it never existed in the first place, or you’re too stupid to realise it never existed.

“If you’re not sure which group you’re in, just ask yourself if you’re sat there today giving the government credit for banning the use of seven recycling bins? If the answer is ‘yes’, ask yourself if you’re actually using seven recycling bins at the moment.

“If the answer is no, then sorry, you’re in the moron category.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The prime minister has scrapped the meat tax that definitely existed, but how much are you set to save? ​

Meat tax calculator: How many thousands are you set to save?​

Find out with this calculator.

A daily Greggs sausage roll lunch
These may be filled with mechanically-recovered offal from Greggs’ industrial mincers, but they were still technically covered by the meat tax. And given that you wolf down two every lunchtime because they’re always on special offer, the pennies soon start adding up. Now the meat tax is over though you can buy a house, or put your savings towards a couple of superyachts.
Total lifetime saving: £150,000

The weekly anaemic chicken from Asda
Time was, slinging pale fillets of bird meat into your Asda shopping trolley filled you with dread. Not only did they taste of f.uck all, but thanks to the meat tax you were shelling out a fortune for the privilege of munching on watery breast tissue. Thanks to our heroic leader cutting through all the red tape, the only thing you have to pretend to care about now is whether or not they were free range.
Total lifetime saving: £225,000

All those late-night fish finger sandwiches
Just because they’re made of seafood and you sneak downstairs to eat them during the middle of the night doesn’t mean your secret fish finger sandwiches escaped the beady eyes of the meat tax man. He saw you. He knew what you are up to. But now he’s powerless to do anything about it. Cheers to you, Rishi, you truly are a man of the people.
Total lifetime saving: £275,000

A big slap-up Sunday roast
Sundays wouldn’t be Sundays without a huge hunk of beef on the dinner table waiting to be carved by the man of the house as society, and indeed the laws of nature, dictate. Rishi understands these immutable forces of the universe, and that’s why he’s doing you a favour by making it more affordable. The only people looking this gift horse in the mouth are woke vegan intellectuals, who must be destroyed.
Total lifetime saving: £435,000

Your annual gorging on pigs in blankets
This is where you’ll make your biggest saving. Each year you wisely put aside every spare penny so you can afford a blowout feast of sausages wrapped in bacon, the thought of greedily guzzling them from a big trough in your living room – as is traditional – filling you with excitement. It used to nearly bankrupt you, but it was always worth it to see the look on your kids’ faces when they woke up and saw the meaty nirvana you had provided.
Total lifetime saving: £1,000,000,000

TY@TDM

 

[Raining_Roses]

Errmm...when was the 7 bins thing banned? I live in a place where we already have 7 load of different bags/bins, so is that suddenly going to stop then? Right now, we have:
1) Paper (reusable bag)
2) Cardboard (reusable bag)
3) Recycling- plastic and tins (reusable bag)
4) Food (biodegradable bags that are put in an outside caddy type thing)
5) Batteries (reusable bag)
6) Glass (bin)
7) Black bags (no bins)

We also get great big bloody stickers on the bag/bin if we put something in that doesn't belong AND they refuse to take all of it. Same goes if you put out more than your allotted number of bin bags.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Government facing environmental crisis. ​

Tens of millions of households abandon wheelie bins. Fly tipping extreme!​

The government is facing an environmental catastrophe as fifty million British households look to dispose of at least six plastic wheelie bins they no longer need.

As the government announced an end to the law which requires everyone to use seven wheelie bins, voters have breathed a huge sigh of relief, given the inconvenience of having so many bins on their modest properties.

Basingstoke resident Si Willis told us, “I’m lucky to have a small drive in front of my semi-detached house, but it’s always filled with the seven wheelie bins that I have been forced to use, so I park on the street.

“Thankfully I was able to ditch six of them in the nearest field, thanks to the government putting an end to the nonsense that most definitely really existed and certainly wasn’t only in their heads.

“Now I can park on the drive once again, for the first time since all this environmental nonsense started!

Thank you Rishi 'Seven Bins'!”

Meanwhile, wheelie bin mountains have begun appearing in various countryside locations, as voters look to rid themselves of the excessive wheelie bins they had definitely been forced to use until this point.

Environmental campaigner Jay Matte told us, “This is a landfill crisis waiting to happen. Fifty million households ditching five wheelie bins each is a genuine environmental catastrophe.

“The government clearly hasn’t thought this through. They might think they are saving us from the nonsense of seven wheelie bins, but they are condemning our children to live in cities and areas filled with wheelie bin mountains.

“I’m beginning to think they don’t know what they’re doing.”

TY@NT

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Errmm...when was the 7 bins thing banned? I live in a place where we already have 7 load of different bags/bins, so is that suddenly going to stop then? Right now, we have:
1) Paper (reusable bag)
2) Cardboard (reusable bag)
3) Recycling- plastic and tins (reusable bag)
4) Food (biodegradable bags that are put in an outside caddy type thing)
5) Batteries (reusable bag)
6) Glass (bin)
7) Black bags (no bins)

We also get great big bloody stickers on the bag/bin if we put something in that doesn't belong AND they refuse to take all of it. Same goes if you put out more than your allotted number of bin bags.

You only have one bin? A very unmanagable situation for you.
We have 3 wheelie bins. One for general waste, one for recycling stuff and a green one for garden waste. Only one person in our Close puts the green one out because it's no longer a free service, the council instigated a charge for it. So what do we all do with our garden waste? We bin bag it and shove it in the general waste bin. Which leaves us with a handy outside storage wheelie bin, One neighbour keeps his lawnmower in his green bin. For some reason I seem to have bags of sand and cement in mine. I'd get rid of it but have you felt the weight of a bag of cement

 

[Words]

Dont charge us for our bin tho i hear over the border they charge £40 a year for theres (Green bin )
Dont make sense as concils make money out of green waste

 

[Moriarty]

Where I live we get a red bag every thursday.
No bins at all, just a small bin bag.
I buy bigger bags at my local shop because sometimes if the Amazon man comes I don't always have room for all my rubbish.

 

[Raining_Roses]

You only have one bin? A very unmanagable situation for you.
We have 3 wheelie bins. One for general waste, one for recycling stuff and a green one for garden waste. Only one person in our Close puts the green one out because it's no longer a free service, the council instigated a charge for it. So what do we all do with our garden waste? We bin bag it and shove it in the general waste bin. Which leaves us with a handy outside storage wheelie bin, One neighbour keeps his lawnmower in his green bin. For some reason I seem to have bags of sand and cement in mine. I'd get rid of it but have you felt the weight of a bag of cement

I forgot the garden waste bag! We actually have 8 different types of bags/bins collected. Ours too went over to a paid collection- we now have to sign up for it, but given that I only have about 2 bags a year, I'll have to get rid of in my black bags. I'm not paying £25 a year extra for 2 bags to be collected!

I used to live in a town that had 2 wheelie bins, but when we moved down here, it was all bags and only the food and glass have small bins. I hate not having a black bin and having to put out bags. I'm by the sea, so every bin day the street is littered with the carnage from the sea gulls. You have to triple bag to stop them getting in to it and as the collections are every three weeks, we have to store our black bags somewhere, which in the summer guarantees maggots.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[Kev45]

Our grey wheelie bin disappeared after rubbish day. They sometimes break and fall into the wagon, get mashed up and when the binmen obviously have no idea then whose actual house it belongs to. I also mooched round the local area and could not find it anywhere, it had just gone, AWOL, disappeared without a trace...

They are £60+ online, so I phoned the local council to see if the bins were cheaper there, and as it happens I'd forgotten that the first replacement for each colour is free anyway. They said that they would deliver it to our backyard within 30 days and to keep the gate open, but they wouldn't/text phone us to say exactly when and gave me some mumbling excuse when I questioned why.

Anyway, we have a large American Bulldog, a dog who takes her guarding duty extremely seriously and who would not tolerate a stranger or local children (or cats or birds) uninvited in the yard. We keep the back door open for her when we are at home, so she can come and go as she pleases, and the yard gate (6 ft) is always padlocked. So that the mutt can't get out and no one can get in, and so it was pretty inconvenient having to leave it open for the new bin.

To cut a long story short, I was recently coming home from Aldi, passed the area where we leave our bins on bin day and there it was, our bloody bin, it had only gone and reappeared after two weeks or so. My neighbour who often moans about people leaving their bins right outside her back gate on bin day looked pretty shifty when I was telling her the tale, but we will never know where it had been, whether it was a prank or not, and next time I'll bring it in immediately rather than leaving it out there for a day or two.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

7 Bins Sunak, trying to hide inheritance tax behind the 'populism policy lies'.