A [redacted] of [redacted] XXXXX

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]'​

A sneak peek at Sue Gray's report​

Why wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop?

Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.

15 May 2020
The one where the Johnsons and Cummings were in the No. 10 garden. Ha, that sounds like the title of a Friends episode! Actually my favourite one is where Joey finds his identical hand twin. Okay, that’s filled a bit of space. Better get back to the parties.

20 May 2020
The infamous ‘bring your own booze’ party. If you were there you’ll know this was where Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]. Which is actually pretty impressive seeing as he was only there for 25 minutes. He was so [redacted] he put his [redacted] in [redacted]. Guests said it was [redacted] and they felt sick.

19 June 2020
Johnson’s 10-minute birthday party. Although as the philosopher Nadine Dorries pointed out, is a slice of cake with your tedious colleagues actually a party, or is it a painful yearly ritual inflicted on office workers? Anyone who’s had a workplace bash will agree it’s the latter. That’s good enough for me. Next.

November 2020
The truth is, shitloads of parties went on around here. Even that secret [redacted]-fuelled one with [redacted]-themed strippers the public doesn’t know about yet. But the rules were slightly ambiguous at this time so who cares?

18 December 2020
The period of Christmassy cheese and wine events. While the public spent the cancelled festive period home alone, Tory MPs and staff got together to enjoy miserable-looking platters. Luckily Allegra Stratton took the bullet for everyone like a good sport so we don’t need to dwell on these events any further. Plus I’m reaching the end of my word count.

16 April 2021
There were leaving events on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Notice how I didn’t say ‘parties’, even though everyone got hammered and they had to fetch extra supplies of booze in a suitcase. And someone left a [redacted] in the [redacted], which is something you only see at wild parties.

In conclusion, none of this matters because the police who turned a blind eye to all the [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] are taking over the investigation. Hope that helps.

via ~ Daily[XXXXXXredactedXXXXXX]

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Now let's not be prejudging the report, we're better than that, I think. maybe! And there's also a presumption of innocence...

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Now let's not be prejudging the report, we're better than that, I think. maybe! And there's also a presumption of innocence...

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

UK ‘Cake Ambush’ threat level raised to ‘severe’​

The Government has this morning raised the Cake Ambush threat level to ‘severe’, meaning the chances of being ambushed by a Birthday cake or other seasonally baked goods is highly likely.

With news this week that our own Prime Minister was himself a victim of a ‘lone sponge’ style attack, people have been asking themselves whether or not any of us are safe from marauding delicacies.

Police have advised concerned members of the public to avoid having Birthdays where possible, as this significantly increases the incident risk, according to research.

Maureen Williams, 75, from Kent became a victim while she was hoovering the roof of her rural cottage, telling us, “It came out of nowhere, a Battenberg right in the face, I nearly fell off the roof.

“You just don’t think it will happen to you, until it does.”

Experts are unsure exactly how many baked confections have indeed been radicalized, but they have been quick to blame the increase in Birthday cake ambushes on the success of shows like ‘Great British bake off’.

Bake Off presenter Paul Hollywood’s whereabouts are currently unknown, however it is thought he has moved into a complex network of caves somewhere in Cheshire. He was unavailable for comment and has yet to claim responsibility.

via ~ DailyRecipeepee

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Sue Gray’s redacted report to be printed on the back of a postage stamp​

Sue Gray’s much-anticipated report is set to be re-printed after amendments and redactions mean it will now fit on the back of a postage stamp.

With news emerging this morning that the Met Police want ‘minimal reference’ in the report to illegal events which they are investigating, the report has now been hastily amended and redacted ready to be submitted on the back of a second class stamp.

Commenting on the report, political insider Simon Williams revealed, “It’s tiny, I’ve seen it.

“Well I say I’ve seen it, I couldn’t actually read it as I didn’t have my microscope on me to be able to read any of the five or six words she was actually allowed to print, on the back of that postage stamp.

“Obviously now the police are involved and insisting that the report is not allowed to reference the very thing that the whole report is supposed to be about, the size of the report has been reduced somewhat.

“Given that there are approximately fifteen parties to report on, all of which were probably illegal, and therefore now part of the police investigation, the contents of the report that we will get to see is likely to be so small it will be invisible to the naked eye.”

Asked if he thinks the police investigation is likely to provide us with the answers we need, instead of relying on Sue Gray’s report, we were told “Are we talking about the same police who provided security for these illegal parties?”

via ~ DailyStampIt

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The lovely wallpaper: Six things the Sue Gray report is allowed to talk about​

Sue Gray’s report on Downing Street parties might have to avoid reporting on Downing Street parties.

But it can still talk about these things.

The lovely wallpaper
Everyone thought £840 per roll was extortionate. But whole chapters of Sue Gray’s report will be dedicated to explaining why the Lulu Lytle wallpaper was actually a good buy. There will be a sumptuous colour photo of it to dispel any doubts and you’ll think, ‘That’s quite nice, really.’ Another important Downing Street controversy laid to raid.

How bloody good the Met Police is
Forget the NHS, Gray will argue it’s the Met Police who have been the most valuable Britons over the last couple of years. Besides guarding Downing Street night and day, they’ve also taken a gruelling report off her hands. We should all applaud the police and Cressida Dick from our windows tonight at 8pm sharp.

Number 10’s excellent soundproofing
Downing Street might look a bit old and run-down, but it has excellent soundproofing, sparing neighbours unwanted noise like a couple having another blazing row. State-of-the-art acoustic insulation and foam panels mean you could hypothetically hold a rave in the basement and someone outside wouldn’t hear a peep. Of course that would never happen though.

Levelling up
No government report would be complete without mentioning levelling up. This chapter will be light on details but sound impressive, with dynamic pictures of trains and a big money pouch with a pound sign on it to distract you. ‘Levelling up’ will be mentioned in every sentence and by the end you’ll be wholeheartedly in favour simply due to the crude brainwashing.

Boris Johnson’s exercise routine
Our great leader can now stagger whole metres without keeling over, and it’s about time we recognised this amazing achievement. And all it took was a burning ambition to be PM to transform him from an overweight scruff into a slightly less overweight scruff. The public could learn a lot from his example.

That photo of Starmer drinking wine
This is the one party Sue Gray will be free to explore in forensic detail. Her meticulous research will uncover what type of wine it was, how much it cost the taxpayer and who made the glass he’s drinking from. These explosive findings will then be splashed across the Daily Mail front page for the next 30 years.

via ~DailyCoverup

 

[BronzeSquirrel]

A man whose hair looks as though it's been cut with a knife and fork, shouldn't be in charge of anything.

 

[WickedPerdition]

'Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]'​

A sneak peek at Sue Gray's report​

View attachment 7755

Why wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop?

Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.

15 May 2020
The one where the Johnsons and Cummings were in the No. 10 garden. Ha, that sounds like the title of a Friends episode! Actually my favourite one is where Joey finds his identical hand twin. Okay, that’s filled a bit of space. Better get back to the parties.

20 May 2020
The infamous ‘bring your own booze’ party. If you were there you’ll know this was where Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]. Which is actually pretty impressive seeing as he was only there for 25 minutes. He was so [redacted] he put his [redacted] in [redacted]. Guests said it was [redacted] and they felt sick.

19 June 2020
Johnson’s 10-minute birthday party. Although as the philosopher Nadine Dorries pointed out, is a slice of cake with your tedious colleagues actually a party, or is it a painful yearly ritual inflicted on office workers? Anyone who’s had a workplace bash will agree it’s the latter. That’s good enough for me. Next.

November 2020
The truth is, shitloads of parties went on around here. Even that secret [redacted]-fuelled one with [redacted]-themed strippers the public doesn’t know about yet. But the rules were slightly ambiguous at this time so who cares?

18 December 2020
The period of Christmassy cheese and wine events. While the public spent the cancelled festive period home alone, Tory MPs and staff got together to enjoy miserable-looking platters. Luckily Allegra Stratton took the bullet for everyone like a good sport so we don’t need to dwell on these events any further. Plus I’m reaching the end of my word count.

16 April 2021
There were leaving events on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Notice how I didn’t say ‘parties’, even though everyone got hammered and they had to fetch extra supplies of booze in a suitcase. And someone left a [redacted] in the [redacted], which is something you only see at wild parties.

In conclusion, none of this matters because the police who turned a blind eye to all the [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] are taking over the investigation. Hope that helps.

via ~ Daily[XXXXXXredactedXXXXXX]

Is this another attempt at 'red acting'?

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

I had no idea I was leading a conga': Boris Johnson's birthday apology in full​

Thank you.

I attended my birthday party in June 2020, but at no point did I realise I was attending my birthday party.

Let me explain.

I stepped through the door into a darkened room, I assumed to save energy and thereby the planet according to my world-leading green agenda.

The lights went on and a number of co-workers shouted ‘Surprise!’ I agreed that it was a complete and total surprise I had known nothing about in advance.

Those assembled then began singing ‘Happy Birthday’, which I surmised was because they were washing their hands in accordance with Covid safety rules. I felt a glow of pride.

I was then presented with a large burning cake which I immediately extinguished, saving the lives of everyone assembled.

The cake did not strike me as unusual because I have a medical condition requiring me to be presented with large cakes throughout the day. Also flutes of champagne such as I accepted subsequently.

I remained unaware it was my birthday. I then opened a number of cards and gifts and donned an oversized ’56 today’ badge, the meaning of which was opaque to me. Then I received 56 bumps from Raab and Williamson.

Shortly afterwards I was walking around the room, while rhythmic music played, and looked around to find 30 people following me in a kind of dancing line, including my wife and Lulu Lytle. I continued to lead it out of simple courtesy.

At this point I left the work event which I at no time suspected of being anything else, taking the cake, presents and champagne with me to encourage the cessation of all related activities.

I then forgot the entire incident completely for 18 months and continued to work tirelessly on developing the vaccine. Thank you.

via ~ DailyPresents

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]