A lucrative job

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Just say 'woke' once a minute: A guide to being a GB News journalist​

Want a lucrative job churning out opinions for GB News?

Follow this tried-and-tested advice for writing pandering, reactionary drivel.

Pull a ‘culture war’ out of your arse
Reach right up your rectum and pull out some niche controversies that (A) only a handful of people give a toss about, and (B) will have no effect on the real world. Make things up to ‘prove’ your point: ‘What next? A Dad’s Army remake with Pike coming out as transgender and Captain Womanwaring?’

Claim youngsters have gone soft then whine about having to wear a mask
Harp on about Britain’s youth lacking the fortitude to make it through a crisis (roll out some clichés about obesity, computer games and overprotective parents) while moaning about having to wear a mask in Waitrose for 15 minutes. Imply you bravely defied Nazi Germany aged -50.

Cheerlead for the Brexit tyre-fire because scavenging for food and fuel builds character
Five years ago you were crowing about the fountain of money that would be showered on the NHS. Now that everything’s turned out like you secretly knew it would, claim that’s great too. Food, fuel and lorry shortages will make men out of us Brits, including the women, but thankfully not in the transgender sense.

Complain of being cancelled because no one reviewed your shitty novel
Pose for a photo across a two-page spread with a plaster over your mouth. Don’t mention that reviewers had better books to review than your leaden comic satire on modern Britain. Also omit the fact that your ‘cancellation’ includes a serialisation in the Telegraph.

‘Woke’
Just keep saying it. Woke. Woke. Wokety woke. Use it until it loses all meaning. Should I no longer use obviously offensive terms like ‘poof’? It’s woke. This weather won’t make its mind up, will it? Bloody woke.

Satire
Show how ignorant you are by pretending you know what satire is, when in fact you don't have a bloody clue. Make things up to prove your point and gather with other ignoramuses in a pearl clutching orgy of reactionary drivel.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Tommy Robinson's guide to coping with being rejected​

Like a lot of renowned hard men, I have a sensitive side. And when I’m hurt, for example when I only win 2.2 per cent of the vote and lose five fucking grand, I have to know how to move on. Here’s how:

Don’t blame yourself
When you’ve bigged yourself up as England’s greatest ever patriot and claimed you’ll be ‘walking into Brussels like Conor McGregor’ and instead sneak out of a vote count early, humiliated, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just the voters weren’t racist enough. Work still to do.

Centre yourself with a mantra
If the rejection’s stinging, repeat a little phrase like ‘I am strong, I am good, I will learn’. Or ‘I’m being censored by the liberal fascists running social media’. I can say that up to 4,000 times a day.

Take up a physical activity
The psychological benefits of exercise are proven beyond doubt. Football hooliganism is a great way of beating your woes and building your brand, and there’s always getting in an ungainly filmed scuffle after you’ve been milk-shaked.

Travel
Feeling spurned and heartbroken? The unfamiliar foods, alien accents and lively customs of foreign country can really recharge your xenophobic batteries. Or just visit any British city that isn’t 100 per cent white.

Make changes in your life
Rejection can be a catalyst for change, whether it’s a new job or a new hairstyle. Personally I’m changing my name again. I think things are going to be a lot different once I’m called Ringo Rover-Mussolini.

via ~ DailyRacist