TwoWhalesInAPool
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A letter from Mars, in which a Martian expresses their concerns about the recent news that has reached them from planet Earth
Our science correspondent has intercepted a letter from outer space, from Mars to be exact, written by a Martian. Our science editor has managed to translate it overnight. We publish it here, unedited, apart from being translated, as contacting the author to discuss any edits has proven difficult.If our science correspondent receives any more missives from Mars (which may well happen now we know the frequency this Martian uses for intergalactic correspondence), we will aim to translate the letter and publish it here as well.
First letter, received 31/01/2025
*Dear Editor,*
I write to you today as a deeply concerned citizen of Mars. Yes, you read that correctly – citizen. While your Earthly scientists continue to label our beloved red planet as “uninhabited” and “barren,” I can assure you that we have been living quite contentedly here for millennia, thank you very much. Which is precisely why we find the latest plans from Mr Musk and his spacefaring chums to be so deeply troubling.
Apparently, the goal is to turn Mars into some sort of second-rate Earth. Atmospheres, cities, even Wi-Fi – oh, the horror! We are already hearing ghastly phrases like terraforming and colonisation, words that send a shudder through our otherwise warm (albeit thin) Martian air. It seems humanity’s insatiable appetite for expansion knows no bounds. Haven’t you made a big enough mess of your own planet? Must you bring traffic jams, reality television, and self-checkout machines to our peaceful world?
And then there’s the slogan – Make Mars Great Again. Again?! Mars has always been great! Pristine landscapes, a lovely dusting of iron oxide, and not a single fast-food chain in sight. If you want to improve something, I suggest starting with your own melting ice caps before meddling with ours.
So please, Mr Musk, Mr Bezos, and all the other intergalactic estate agents – stay put. Mars is doing just fine without you.
Yours sincerely,
*Xylb’tok the Mildly Irritated*
(A Very Happy Martian)
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via - northwestbylines.co.uk